The loss continues...

I promised to share my fourth loss with you all when I was ready. I am ready. As I have stated before, this is not for attention, sympathy, or advice. Nothing like getting unsolicited advice from people who have NO IDEA what they're talking about, but pretend to. The worst...insert eye roll emoji here lol. This is a space where I can freely write and not be consumed by the thoughts of "oh what will he/she think?" or "wait should I say that?" This is my space, my place, my blog to express how I am feeling about all this, because with pregnancy loss comes a lot of emotions. More than I anticipated. People blog about food, fashion, marriage, divorce, sexuality, politics, you name it, people write about it. For me, it's a healthy way for me to get those emotions out and hey maybe help another mama or two who feel so lost in the world right now. It can be a very isolating place.

Before I dive into the specifics of my fourth miscarriage, I would like to say it has now taken me almost four months to process a lot of these feelings. Some days are great and other days are really really hard. That's the territory that comes with recurrent pregnancy loss. It's not over after the ultrasounds, the follow up appointments, the surgeries, the fertility appointments, you carry this stuff, no pun indented, with you for a long time. I still have days where I'm sad and angry and don't know why. Then I realize, hey woman, you've lost four babies in a year and that's hard. A lot of commentary on social media and just in general is even more discouraging because it's always, "oh it wasn't meant to be" or "oh God had another plan" or "oh some people have it worse". While I realize and acknowledge all of these things, it doesn't negate the hurt that accompanies multiple losses. People are quick to forget that this whole process.... all of it, just fucking sucks sometimes and sometimes it's nice to just hear that. Two phrases to those who are wondering, "Well Natalie, what do I say?" I'm glad you asked....lol. My best advice to someone who has gone through this, most recently too, is to ask 1.) How are you feeling about all this and 2.) Girl this sucks and I am here for you whatever you need. No solution outline, no answers, no advice, no testimonials, no "Well this is what worked for Karen," no "Well it's in God's hands. Please refer to 1 and 2. We (those who have endured loss or struggled with fertility) can say those things when we are ready, but for the time being we just need a listening ear.

Okay you ready? I'm ready. That's what I say to my daughter anytime we leave the house. It's cute, I ask her if she's ready and she always responds with, "I'm ready". My true miracle baby. So here we go.

Miscarriage number 4. My husband and I had a fertility appointment set up with my doctor in January of this year to talk about next steps for potential fertility treatment due to the fact that I had three miscarriages in a row even though all of our numbers looked "good". Apparently you have to pursue either an IUI or IVF you have to have been a.) trying for over a year to conceive with no success or b.) have certain known health issues, i.e. two uterus, autoimmune issues like PCOS, etc. or c.) have multiple miscarriages. I fell into category c because all of my other bloodwork and labs looked perfect, however, we kept having multiple miscarriages with no explanations. Because of that, our next step was to talk to a fertility doc.

We had the call with him set up and were ready to go in January of 2021. We were nervous and scared, but hopeful too ya know? Mind you before this call my husband and I were still hoping that we would conceive naturally. We weren't really trying, but not not trying either if that makes sense lol. After our call with him, we hung up happy and slightly overwhelmed to embark down this very unfamiliar territory. IUI, IVF, trigger shots, MTHFR, AMH, PGS testing, the vocabulary is still a foreign language to me and I majored in a foreign language. Like I said we were excited but it was a lot to take in. Anywho, shortly after that initial consult, I was anticipating on getting my period. Like I said we weren't really trying. When it didn't come a few weeks later, I knew I was pregnant. I don't miss periods. I've always been strangely accurate in my cycles. So I called up my doc and said, "Hey! Guess what? We're pregnant!" He said, "That's great! Looks like you don't need me then!" Since we got pregnant naturally there was no need for a reproductive endocrinologist at this point. So we did what any couple does and tried to enjoy the news and our BFP (big fat positive in the fertility community). We shared the joy with a few close family members and that was it. Remember, we miscarried three times already so it was hard to be overly enthusiastic. I remember my father-in-law saying, "You sure?" That was like taking a bullet. Another thing you don't say to someone. I for sure was pregnant, but nervous too it wouldn't stick. The discouraging or sad part that accompanies loss is the fact that you can't ever really enjoy that pregnancy until that baby is in your arms. There is always that "what if" factor. It's a harsh reality and mamas out there, if you know you know.

So we were cautiously optimistic. I remember saying to my hubby, "See babe! This is meant to be! It was our last shot before IVF stuff!" I really believed that too. Around six weeks I went in for my first ultrasound. When you suffer from multiple miscarriages they monitor you very closely the first 8 weeks. It's called early pregnancy monitoring. I have had to do that with three out of the four. You can imagine the appointments and anxiety at each, plus ya know Covid so no visitors. Insert second eyeroll. I went in around six weeks, might have been a day or two shy and they saw the gestational sac and the yolk which is a great sign. They also identified that it was in fact an inter-uterine pregnancy which is great, meaning it was in the right spot. Sometimes the embryo can implant itself elsewhere i.e. the fallopian tubes, ovaries, etc. So this was a great start, but we weren't out of the woods yet. They did their normal HCG testing to make sure my numbers were indicative of an early pregnancy. You should have seen me stalk my Quest portal that day. It was like stalking an ex on Facebook right after a breakup lol. I must have refreshed that page 1000 times. I just wanted to make sure the number was high enough. I can't remember specifically, but somewhere in the hundreds to me was a good number. I don't remember if it came back that day or the day after, but it was a great number! High. Still not out of the woods. I had to go back in two days later for guess what? More blood work and another ultrasound to hopefully detect the heartbeat this time. So I did. Right away the ultrasound tech found the heartbeat and printed pictures for me with baby written on it. I was ecstatic. Still not in the clear. I need that HCG number to double to be more reassuring that this was in fact a viable pregnancy. Again early miscarriages can happen even when you detect a heartbeat, but those HCG numbers are pretty convincing. More blood work, more waiting, and sure enough it doubled! Almost tripled. I was so happy. I couldn't even tell you. I really thought this one was it.

Tom and I were set to go out of town that following week just the two of us. We debated whether or not to go. I mean we were in the process of selling our home, looking for another one, and just recently pregnant. Plus working full time and being parents to a very rambunctious two and a half year old! We decided to go because hey 2020 sucked and we needed a break, just us. Plus we wanted to celebrate the good news! A baby! Finally! After three devastating losses and a crap year with Covid, we just needed this. So we left. The calories I would normally consume on drinks by the pool and amazing wine with dinner were allotted to fun foods. I really enjoyed being pregnant on this trip. It was kind of like a babymoon. I felt more at peace and was able to enjoy our trip. I even wore a t-shirt to my parents house when we got back that said, "Due in October". I had my follow up ultrasound scheduled for when we got back home. Which would have been the 8-9 week appointment.

A few days after we returned I had my appointment. Ultrasounds are first so as you can imagine my heart was racing. It's racing now just writing this because all those feelings of that day come back. I went in got undressed and waited. If you have been through anything similar to this, you must know the waiting of everything and everyone is brutal. Waiting for test results, waiting for lab work, pathology reports, insurance approvals, appointments, phone calls, but the worst...ultrasounds. That is visual proof of what's going on inside. This time...again...nothing was going on inside. Bridget, my ultrasound tech, told me again, "Natalie, I'm so very sorry, but there is no heartbeat". She cried with me. Why is this happening?!!!!!!!!! Again?! For the fourth time? How can this be?!!

Back to the waiting room with all the pregnant women to wait for my doctor to essentially scream and cry and plead with him. "Please doc, just tell me why this keeps happening to me?" He told me he really didn't know and that my RE would have to do more testing.

I don't really remember too much after that. The weeks and days are kind of all squished together now. Seems like a blur looking back. I did have to have another D and C to remove the pregnancy. Because I was on progesterone as a precautionary step once I became pregnant, it actually told my body to not miscarry naturally and hang on to the baby. That's what synthetic progesterone does. Pretty sad right? Trying to keep it even though it's not viable. So I scheduled my surgery immediately and this time I said no matter what I wanted the product tested. Meaning, is there something wrong genetically? Chromosomally I mean. We didn't do that with the previous three because of insurance reasons. So I had the surgery. I asked them to do the more extensive testing that would take about 6-8 weeks to find out what was going on with he baby. We found out later that it was a boy and that it had a very rare genetic defect. Now I know what you're going to say....I'll say it for you. Thank God you found of early. Thank God your body knew what to do. See Natalie? It wasn't meant to be. And while that may make some feel better or less uncomfortable, it still doesn't take away the pain that I feel in my heart still to this day for losing this time a baby boy. Yes, he had something severely wrong with him and probably wouldn't have made it or would have had some serious problems, so sure maybe it was a true blessing in disguise, but I still feel what I feel. So although people want to help and don't know what to say, refer to my previous paragraph where I mentioned that really all women want to hear when experiencing loss is I'm so sorry and it is just awful what you are going through. Again I don't care what your co-worker's sister went through. This is my shit to work through and I'm sorry and what can I do is all we need to hear.

So I'm done right? Blog post ended? Happily ever after? Not quite.

I went in for my follow up appointment and had to have another ultrasound. They want to ensure no residual product or tissue was leftover because the D and C procedure is a blind procedure and not 100 percent effective. It's too risky and they don't want to damage the uterus, so they are more cautious than aggressive, which I get. This time it wasn't leftover product like the previous miscarriage, it was residual blood left in my uterus. So now what? Hey guess what? Another surgery! Well they did offer me some pill that would make my uterus contract the blood out. I picked it up from Walgreens that day and read the side effects....uterine rupture, excessive bleeding, and oh death. Hi, NO! I know they have to list those things for the small percentage of people with crazy reactions, I would be that person though. Who miscarries four times in a row? A very very very small percentage so you get where I'm going with this...I didn't want to take my chances on a pill that could make my uterus explode, so I opted for yet another D and C. At least I knew how my body would react. That was scheduled by my doctor and I was finally going to be able to go back to my fertility guy and get some answers. I couldn't wait....

I eventually did meet with him in April and will gladly share all of that with you. His insight and knowledge about my personal circumstance is very positive. I feel hopeful we are on the right path. That is a separate blog post for a separate day. Too long and detailed to share with you all now.

The point of this one was to document and express my feelings with the most recent loss. This just all transpired in March so even though it seems like forever ago, it's still relatively fresh.

I hope that what you take away from reading this is not pity, anger, or confusion, but maybe a new found respect for women and fertility. It may be easy or appear easy to some, but it's not like that for everyone. And although it was "easy" the first time for me, doesn't mean I can dismiss what's happened this last year. I think it's habitual to do sometimes. It's easier to keep it all in and say, "oh everything's fine". But its not. This is real life. It may not be everyone's life. Surely we all have different trials and tribulations, different journeys, but I don't want to shhhh this away. I don't want to sweep this under the rug. I don't want to be made to feel bad or embarrassed by what happened. I want to remember my babies, and before you go on about they are not babies, YES I can assure you I felt them, maybe not kicks, but I felt connected to all four of them and they deserve to be remembered.

I don't know what's to come. None of us do. That's the cool part. Everyone now a days is an expert on something and always has an answer, but the harsh reality is that only my fertility doctor and God are the ones in charge now. All anyone can really do is just be nice and maybe empathize from time to time...offer to bring over a hot meal...ask to go out for a glass of wine....I'm not super needy.

For those who are struggling to get pregnant, experienced loss, recently pregnant, having surgeries, going through fertility treatments, etc. I have said it before, I am with you, I see you, and I hear you. You are NOT alone and even though it fucking sucks, you are strong and will be okay.

With light and love.

#pregancyloss #secondaryinfertility #fibroids #fertility #ivf #miscarriages #infertility #blogging #grief #writing #life #love #children #happiness